LEADING QUESTIONS

Hello, and welcome to this edition of The Autolycan, which I hope will help the Conservative Party elect a new leader.  At the time of writing I think there are a dozen candidates, but who knows what it could be by the time I click Publish.

For my American friends who may think they've got enough problems of their own without following all this too closely, perhaps I should say that the front runner at the moment is said to be our esteemed former Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson.  Or to give him his full name, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.  The de Pfeffel apparently comes from some minor German baron several generations back in the family tree.  Johnson is noted for his Latin tags, and for Latin specialists out there - and I know there is at least one - you should take up any complaints about accuracy with Google Translate rather than me.

And should anyone doubt it, 'contumelious' is a real word!

Hope you like this and, as ever, please pass to others if you do.

LEADING QUESTIONS

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, you said you didn't want to lead the Hundred Acre Wood Gang any more because everyone said you were the Worst Leader they'd ever had. You Cried a bit, but the Gang said they wanted to choose Someone Else. They would have to have an Election.

All the animals agreed that they'd have to have a Bit of a Think. So Pooh-Boris went and sat on his Favourite Log in the whole forest and scratched his chin with his Thinking Paw to show how hard he was Thinking.

There was a sudden rustling in the leaves and Govelet came scampering up to announce Something Important. But Pooh-Boris held up his Non-Thinking paw.

'I am having a Bit of a Think' he said, pointing to his Thinking Paw. 'But now I've had a Bit of a Think, I think I'd be Top Hole at being Leader. Sum Optimus! So that's it,' he finished grandly, 'Quis erit, erit!'

Govelet didn't like to ask what a Quiseriterit was and thought it would be safer to ask why Pooh thought he'd be Top Hole at Leading the Gang.

Pooh puffed out his chest importantly and placed his Right Paw against his Left Breast.

'I, Pooh-Boris, am a Big Beast' he said. I Lead where others Follow. I have Name Recognition. I am a Riddle wrapped in a Mystery inside an Enigma.'

Govelet quaked a little.

'Above all I have Charisma' continued Pooh.

'And I am a Small Animal who can't do Riddles and I'm not a Nigma' said Govelet, sadly. 'Do I have Charisma, Pooh?'

'No.' said Pooh, 'You do not have Charisma. You have the opposite, which I shall call Charisn'tma.'

'Why is Charisma important?' asked Govelet, quietly.

'Because there is another Big Beast in the Forest called Fa-Rabbit' said Pooh, hoping to sound apocalyptic. 'Fa-Rabbit has his own Gang but wants to Take Over most of ours as well. Only I can beat Fa-Rabbit.'

Pooh didn't notice Govelet raising a Quizzical Eyebrow.

'The Thing Is,' Pooh went on, 'we have told everyone we will leave the Hundred Acre Wood so that we can Take Back Control, but we haven't.'

'No,' agreed Govelet, 'we haven't.'

Pooh put on his serious face.

'Leaving the Hundred Acre Wood is a sine qua non' he said.

Govelet tried hard to pretend that he understood.

'But doesn't Fa-Rabbit want to Leave as well?' he asked.

Pooh nodded.

'Yes,' he said, 'but he is a parvenu, a Praesedisse Nuper Veni Johnny.'

This time Govelet didn't even bother to pretend.

'A Johnny Come Lately' explained Pooh loftily.

'Is he a Threat?' asked Govelet.

'Yes,' said Pooh, 'he is a Threat. He has lots and lots of Friends and Relations who follow him everywhere. He is a Populist. He is not One of Us. In fact, I have made up a Special Hum about him which will Damage his Chances.'

Govelet winced, but tried to look interested as Pooh put on his Poetry-Reading Voice and recited:

'I've got into a sort of a habit

That whenever I think of Fa-Rabbit

I just want to rush up and grab it,

And be rude and insult him. A bit.'

There was a long pause.

'It's not quite right yet, is it?' said Govelet, really quite Bravely.

'No,' agreed Pooh, 'it's not quite right yet.'

He furrowed his brow as hard as he could.

'But we must Take Back Control from the Hundred Acre Wood' he said at last.

Govelet thought that as a last line for Pooh's hum this was even worse that the first attempt, but then he thought he'd better not say so.

He changed the subject and asked who would help Pooh become leader of the Gang. A triumphant smile crossed Pooh's face.

'Follow me!' he cried excitedly, and they stomped off into the forest to a Special Place where an Owl was perched in a tree.

'Hello Owl, old chap,' began Pooh 'can I rely on your Support?'

'Fie!' scolded the Owl. 'Play not the poltroon with me, sirrah!'

Govelet looked blanker than ever at this.

'Th'art naught but a baseborn fandangle, a malapert picaroon if tha thinks tha can trifle thusly with a gallant of my degree and puissance.  Gadzooks.'

'Please Sir,' trembled Govelet ' we thought you might be able to help Pooh become Leader of the Gang since you can Read and Write and Know Things like what an Iso-ser-sloss-alees Triangle is.'

The Owl surveyed him with an aristocratic air.

'Indeed I can and do, egad' he retorted 'and what's more I can Spell my own Name.' And then slowly, and Not Without Difficulty, he spelt out the letters one a time, R-e-e-s-W-o-l.'

Rees-Wol sat back on his branch with a look of immense satisfaction.

'Please, Rees-Wol, will you help me become Leader of our Gang?' enquired Pooh in what he hoped was a careless way.

'Marry,' began Rees-Wol, 'but I am seized of the Besetting Paramountcy of leaving the Hundred Acre Wood.  Think me not Contumelious but needs must we Excogitate. We must not show ourselves hugger-mugger. Forsooth.'

Pooh nodded. 'Omnes enim unum omnes' he observed, hoping desperately that this was the right phrase to use.

Rees-Wol ignored him.

'Pish, but to become Leader you need a Strong Message, inter alia' he went on. 'You want to Sum It All Up in a Word or Two, by my Troth. An Acronym usually works.'

'A Nacronym?' repeated Pooh, 'what's a Nacronym?'

'Where you put the first letters of words together to make a new word. For example, your Full Name is Pooh-Alexander Boris, or PAB.'

A sly look crossed Govelet's face.

'But it doesn't work so well when you add the de Pfeffel in, does it?' he sniggered mischievously.

Pooh glared at him furiously, but Rees-Wol looked disdainful. He addressed Pooh directly.

'So, what do you want to do, prithee?'

'To Leave the Hundred Acre Wood' said Pooh earnestly.

'Hmm. That won't do. Let's say Exit the Hundred Acre Wood, XHAW. When?'

'Oh, soon.'

'So......XHAWS.'

'Really,' mused Pooh, the Time Is Now. Geronimo!'

Rees-Wol was lost in thought. Then 'That's it!' he exclaimed. 'XHAWSTING! That's your Nacronym and your Slogan – We Are XHAWSTING!'

So Pooh and Govelet went running off shouting 'We Are XHAWSTING! Come and Join us!' and before long they came to a part of the Forest near K-Eyeore-byn's Dark and Gloomy Place. 

K-Eyeore-byn had never been in their Gang, despite having sided with it lots of times in the Past, and when they went to see him they found him sitting on a Fence.

'Ah.' said K-Eyeore-byn. 'Pooh-Boris and Little Govelet come to see me. There must be some Mistake, it won't be me you really wanted to see.'

He chewed glumly on some lentils.

'Can't stand Lentils,' he remarked, 'but then that's How It Is. Please, don't Sympathise. Oh. You weren't.'

'Why are you sitting on a Fence?' asked Pooh. 'It doesn't look Comfortable.'

K-Eyeore-byn swished his tail morosely.

'No,' he said 'it isn't. But I am Making a Point. It is Not Clear if I will get off the Fence or not. That is Significant.'

'What of?' asked Govelet.

'I don't know. I am waiting for Someone to Tell Me. I have my own Gang and they Advise me' he finished, glumly.

He was lost in thought as he chewed a bit more.

'They called it my Creative Ambiguity Fence and said it would make me popular' he said, and laughed a bitter laugh. 'Ha!'

'That was a bitter laugh' he added, bitterly.

Pooh and Govelet marched back to Pooh's Favourite Log for a Bit More of a Think.

'I am in a Mess' intoned Pooh. 'You are in a Mess. We are all in a Mess. I need Help. From other Forest Animals, perhaps? Woozles? Jagulars? Heffalumps?'

And then Govelet, Govelet himself, a Small Animal who hadn't got Charisma and who never went to the Right School had an Idea.

'Pooh will like my Idea', he thought. 'But Pooh will not understand that it will make him look Silly.   And if Pooh looks Silly perhaps I can become Leader of the Gang rather than him. Even if I don't have Charisma.'

'Pooh,' he said in a Small Voice, 'Heffalumps are Big and Strong and have Clout and Influence. It's got to be the Heffalumps.'

Pooh pictured himself proud and victorious at the head of a majestic herd of Heffalumps.  He nodded. 'Thank you, True and Loyal Friend.' he said 'Heffalumps it is. How do I get them to support me?'

'Promise them anything you like. You don't have to Keep your Promise.'

'So......Rees-Wol said we need a Slogan' mused Pooh, “Vote for Pooh and the Heffalumps,” perhaps?'

'No,' said Govelet, decisively. 'You have great Name Recognition – you said so. We must Exploit your Name Recognition.'

'How?'

Slowly, Govelet drew himself up to his full height and looked Pooh squarely in the eye.

'Your Campaign Slogan' he said, 'will be “Vote for Pooh and the de Pfeffelumps.”'

'That should do the trick' said Govelet to Pooh, but inside he thought 'that should do the trick!'    

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'And who did follow me?' you asked. 'Was it Pooh or Govelet or Someone Else?'

I smiled a Knowing Smile.

'Wait and see' I said.