ZOO BREW!

Hello again, and welcome to the August edition of The Autolycan.  I found this story in  Agence France Presse some time ago, and it sounded pretty bizarre to me.  So I thought why not try something a little bit surreal this month?  I hope you like Zoo Brew! - please pass it on if you do!

ZOO BREW!

A zoo in the freezing steppes of Kazakhstan is giving its monkeys red wine to ward off winter colds, its chief animal specialist told AFP on Friday.

The zoo feeds the monkeys a kind of red Communion wine, making it more appetising for monkeys by adding chopped fruit, honey, lemon, sugar and hot water.

"After all, primates are just like people. They enjoy drinking an alcoholic drink, they like it. Some of them even abuse it, coming up to the drinking trough several times," she said. -

Agence France-Presse

The landlord of the Khazak Steppes leant his elbows on the bar of his pub and looked slowly around him. He had just unlocked the door and the pub was empty. The paint looked shabby, the furnishings were worn and the carpet was frankly threadbare. He sighed. Through the cracked windows he could see the frozen and unforgiving Khazak landscape, it had gone down to minus 30 degrees last night and tonight was forecast to be colder still. He sighed again. ‘Time I wasn’t in this business,' he thought, ‘time to move on. Somewhere warmer.’ And not for the first time he pictured himself running a tropical beach bar somewhere in the Caribbean.

His reverie was interrupted by a blast of cold air as the door swung open and a couple of monkeys ambled in. He knew them as being from the zoo – they often came in for a glass or two ‘to ward off the cold’ as they put it.

‘Evening, lads’ he said with a thin smile of welcome, ‘bit nippy tonight.’

‘Good evening, Mine Host!’ cried the larger of the two monkeys with a giggle. ‘Can you advise us? We are looking for something very quaffable with a crisp, fresh and fruity nose, a heavy weight of citrus on the middle tongue with notes of vanilla and peaches, and with a long finish. We thought we might sharpen our appetites while we peruse your most estimable Bill of Fayre........'

'A kind of ape-ritif!' screamed the second monkey. They both howled. The smile grew thinner.

'What have you got that will tease and delight our palates?’

‘I have got’ said the landlord lugubriously, ‘the usual. Cuvée du Patron. A full red, with honey, lemon and sugar added. I’ve put extra banana in specially. I think you'll find it gives it a more... erm... robust character.’

The monkeys nodded and sat down at an unsteady table while the landlord bustled around fetching a couple of glasses of Cuvée from a trough at the back of the bar. They drank, not unenthusiastically. ‘We’ve put the word around at the zoo,’ the smaller one said ‘some of the other lads said they might look in tonight. Could be a bit of a party like’. He broke off to root eagerly in his mate’s fur. ‘Same again, please. We thought we'd have a kitty....' he went on '…...but they're not on the menu!' yelled the first monkey. They screeched with laughter while the landlord drew a deep breath.

The door swung open again and a pair of wallabies hurried in, leaving the door wide open behind them. Grumbling, the landlord moved across to close it. ‘G’day mate!’ said the first wallaby, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass….’ but the monkeys were glaring menacingly at him and he didn’t finish the phrase. He changed tack. ‘Strewth! I could down a couple of pints of the Amber Nectar without ‘em even touching the sides,' he bragged. It seemed to be expected. The landlord poured two pints of lager, and the monkeys had some more Cuvée. The rather curious taste seemed to be growing on them.

A bell sounded from the sun terrace. When the landlord didn’t immediately answer a polar bear wearing sunglasses and with a beach towel draped over one shoulder put his head round the back door. ‘Two pina coladas, please,' he said ‘we’ll have them by the pool.’

‘Shouldn’t go out there, sir, health and safety. Too slippery.’ said the landlord, but took the drinks out anyway after the polar bear gave him a withering and not wholly friendly stare.

The landlord returned to the bar where a row was starting to break out between the monkeys and the wallabies. The latter had tried, successfully, to wind up the former by putting Daydream Believer on the jukebox. Scarcely had he calmed the argument down when a group of Caribbean flamingos strutted in and demanded rum punch, followed by some Russian wolfhounds demanding vodka and two Japanese macaques who just fancied a glass of saké. Surreptitiously, the landlord mixed some rice juice with the Cuvée, which he then insisted was saké, the macaques invited the monkeys to try a glass and the monkeys didn't mind if they did.

The bar was filling up, noticeably so when the camels came in and insisted that they wanted nothing but water and plenty of it, and arguments were breaking out over whether the heating should be turned to maximum with the windows closed or switched off altogether with the windows standing wide open. Trying to mediate this was not easy, especially when the skylight started to rattle furiously as a giraffe tried to poke its head in. ‘Guinness is off’ barked the landlord over his shoulder, and a couple of Irish wolfhounds slunk out to go elsewhere. By now, the monkeys were helping themselves to more Cuvée and starting to sing raucously, which upset some rather timid lounge lizards who were motionless under a table and staying as inconspicuous as possible. Spotting them, the hyenas laughed uproariously, which went unnoticed as the back door was flung open again and several Emperor penguins came in from skating on the pool, demanding something both fishy and alcoholic.

It came as a pleasant surprise to the landlord when his offer of Bass was accepted, although he should have realised that he would have to put up with a string of wearisome puns along the lines of 'Oh, no, always makes me flounder', 'gives me a hammerhead', 'no more for him, he's half cuttlefished already' and so on. (Please feel free to add some more of your own, but I have tried quite hard and there aren't as many as you might think.)

The monkeys shrieked again. The landlord chuckled dutifully, but years of experience told him the mood tonight was potentially volatile – he needed a diversion. Television. What was on the TV? Rugby. Hmm. Which match was it? Just his luck – the Pumas against the Springboks. There'd be a brawl in what... thirty seconds? Perhaps less. He changed channels. The Dragons against the Wallabies. He looked round nervously. They were mythical beasts, weren't they? There couldn't be, surely.....

The rugby finished. Adverts. They'd be safe, but then what?

'Over now to the KCOM stadium where Hull City are playing Leicester City in the first match of the new season. The Tigers against the Foxes.........' He dived for the off switch, but the noise was getting louder and the atmosphere more restless.

Music. Perhaps music would keep the peace. He sorted hurriedly through his CDs. The Byrds? The Eagles? Def Leopard? Surely the Beatles wouldn't start a fight. He put the CD on, whereupon John Lennon immediately informed the entire pub that he was a walrus. The back door was torn clean off its hinges as the polar bears came storming back in in search of a bite to eat.

The situation was getting out of hand, and it was only a matter of time before someone knocked over someone else’s glass, or took offence at the way another animal was looking at his girlfriend. Soon, a scuffle broke out and escalated quickly. Fur, feathers and not a little furniture flew, and the landlord retired behind his bar to phone the security company. They promised to send the bouncers round straight away and contact the police immediately. They were efficient. Several kangaroos arrived within minutes and laid into anyone they deemed to be trouble makers. The remaining customers ran - or flew, or slithered - for the doors and apart from the lounge lizards who had remained motionless throughout, the pub was empty when the officers of the law came wailing up in their squad car.

‘Dear oh dear oh dear’ said the senior panda, taking out a notebook and licking his pencil. ‘What seems to be the trouble then?’

'I can't make it out' admitted the landlord, shaking his head, 'in fact, you could say I'm quite.... er.... bamboo-zled.'

A shrill whoop from outside told him that the monkeys were listening somewhere nearby. The panda looked up sharply.

'Don't get funny with me, son.' he said.

ANAGRAM CORNER

THERESA MAY, NEW PM

MY! TAMPERS ANEW, EH?