The Bookseller's Tale

Hello, and welcome once again to The Autolycan. Today, I'd like to enlist your sympathy for Geoffrey Chaucer. Apart from being a poet – indeed, 'The Father of English Literature' – Chaucer was philosopher, bureaucrat, diplomat, soldier, courtier, valet, Justice of the Peace, part time scientist and heaven knows what else besides. He was captured during the siege of Rheims, and his sovereign paid sixteen quid for his ransom. In 1374 Edward III granted him 'a gallon of wine daily for the rest of his life', which must have had some effect on his prodigious literary output, of which The Canterbury Tales is just a small part. He was somebody. And all you and I remember of him is the dirty bits from the Miller's Tale and perhaps the first couple of lines of the Prologue.

I thought of him when I came across an item from an old edition of The Times. The general point it was making though seemed to me as up to date as ever, and I thought perhaps Geoffrey deserved a bit of a tribute. I'll leave you to decide whether or not he would appreciate it.

THE BOOKSELLER'S TALE

or

FROM DANTE TO DAN B.

Hard hit publishers are putting on a campaign to sell 'literary books.'

The Times

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote

The droghte of March hath perced to the roote

A companie from every shire's end

Of engelonde to caunterbury doth wend

And pilgrims from divers trades do mix -

A Friar, a Squire, a Dominatrix,

A Sales Consultant, a Nail Technician,

A Weather Presenter, a Canine Beautician -

And each a tale, a yarn, doth spinne,

And at a Bookseller than wol I first bigynne.

A Bookseller was first to feature,

Down at heel, a shabby creature,

Who held aloft a fearsome graph

Which showed why he was cutting staff.

Sales of proper books were tanking -

Though 50 Shades of Grey's were spanking -

(At this the Wife of Bath, the harlot,

Turned pink, then red, then deepest scarlet!)

'All my profits shrink and dwindle,

I put it down to bloody Kindle!

Histories and crammers and novels and grammars, and

All of them quickly downloaded from Amazon!

And look at the lists, the lists of best sellers!

And what do you see? Your Hamlets? Othellos?

Your Miltons? Your Trollopes? Even your Dahls?

Your Forsters? Your Dickens – Monica? Charles?

Why, no! And this is the reason I'm lairy,

It's Ramsay and dieting, Bikers so Hairy,

And can it be true? Miranda? Ms Hart?

Is right at the top of the best seller chart?

No mention of Joe and his cheery 'What larks!' and

A listing instead for one J. Bloody Clarkson!

What's more' – he said – 'now I am upping the ante -

I can flog that Inferno – by Brown, not by Dante!

And the bloke who's in charge of our regional sales -

Whose humour and cheeriness constantly fails -

Says 'Don't say 'a problem' - think outside the box,

Blue sky's the word, opportunity knocks!

Sales of classics are currently blunt as

A jelly 'cos we cannot get to the punters!'

Quoth he (stretching scansion and metre and rhyme,

And mangling the language, a literary crime.)

So I've to come up with some targets, objectives,

Strategy, tactics to meet his directives....'

'A word if I may!' cried the Weather Presenter,

'I've checked out the logs at our great weather centre,

You can't sell to folks who just cannot believe you.

To see what I'm saying go back to our preview -

You talk about April with showers and buds,

When everyone knows that it's tempests and floods!

And drought? In March?? Credibility fails!

March speaks of torrents and blizzards and gales!'

'Make out it's exciting! Make out it's a thriller!

Play up the coarse bits! The sex!' cried the Miller.

'You'll soon see the books that you sell will be charting

If you give 'em a bit of a laugh about farting!'

'Marketing! Ads!' yelled the Sales Consultant,

'Sales through the roof – you'll be quite exultant,

Multiple offers – cheapest one free,

Get on the sofa on breakfast TV!

Bright lurid covers, discussions on Sky,

Celebrity forewords, perhaps Stephen Fry?

Don't be too narrow, think of the broader plan,

'Fry?' sniffed the bookman 'I'd rather have Vorderman.'

'Wouldn't we all!' cried the Miller, with mirth,

But a look from the Monk brought him straight down to Earth.

'You need a firm hand since it's clear that your antics

Are naughty and low', frowned the Dominatrix.

'You cannot escape, just chuck in the sponge, and

We'll soon have you helpless and trussed in my dungeon!

You must be corrected, you raise all my hackles.'

'Sweet Lord!' breathed the Miller, hoping for shackles.

And others cried out with suggestions – of sorts -

Tacky and shallow; few serious thoughts.

And the Bookseller found that his head soon did spin

With the clamour, the outcry, the hubbub, the din.....

So...

'Enough!' cried the bookman 'We'll write down our tales -

The lawyers, the clergy, the poor men, the gentry -

And we'll count a success if our book never fails,

And is parodied still in the twenty first century.'

ANAGRAM CORNER

!!!ROYAL BABY SPECIAL!!!!

While the world's media was engaged in a seemingly endless and undignified scrum for first news of the birth, first pictures, great grandma's reaction and so on, Master Autolycus stole a march on all of them to bring you the first recorded comment direct from Prince George himself!!

GEORGE ALEXANDER LOUIS

REGAL RULE IDEA GOES ON!  x

If anyone's got a better idea for dealing with the x please let me know!