Hello, and welcome to this special lockdown edition of The Autolycan. You've probably noticed that newspapers and magazines are full of helpful suggestions for things to do in lockdown, and The Autolycan is no exception! So in this edition we're going to make an earworm. Or two. It's all about songs from the movies – well, two particular movies – Cabaret and Chicago. But you've got to do some work this time, because in order to make the songs come alive you've got to add the music to the words. You can do this alone, in the family, in your bubble, round the piano, from your balcony, in a street get-together with neighbours (properly distanced of course!) - the list is endless! If you've forgotten the music to any of these songs, I've included links to relevant YouTube clips at the end. Enjoy your earworm!
A CHICAGO CABARET
or
LET'S MAKE AN EARWORM!
CAST
Emcee : Dominic Cummings
Sally Bowles : Boris Johnson
Mama Morton : Donald Trump
Roxie Hart : Michael Gove
Amos Hart : Dominic Raab
Billy Flynn : Rishi Sunak
SYNOPSIS
Roxie Hart and Sally Bowles are both desperate to be Prime Minister, and both are quite happy to stab their rival in the back to prevent her succeeding. When the post falls vacant, Sally employs Roxie's former assistant – Emcee – to run her campaign and subsequently act as power behind the throne. But her premiership turns farcical when she is required to deal with a major pandemic. So, come to the cabaret.......
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Emcee
Fick dich! Fous toi! Fuck off!
Sally recruited me and then snuck off.
I must say, it makes me mad
That they call me her senior SPAD
When truth be told and quite bizarrely
I'm happy to be called Svengali!
I've mastered political survival
I used to boss Roxie – Sally's rival.
From loyalty I'm wholly free
And rules don't apply to me
Even when some stupid arse'll
Track my trip to Barnard Castle!
Meine damen und herren, mes dames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen. I introduce to you my protegé, Sally Bowles, who wants to tell you how much she wanted to be a Prime Minister! You don't believe that someone like Sally can possibly be Prime Minister? Well, with me in charge she can!
Sally Bowles/Boris Johnson
Maybe this time, I will triumph,
Victor ludorum, I'll be first!
Maybe this time - it must be my time! -
Rivals will be accursed!
I'll get sworn in, fast,
Destiny met at last.
Not a minion any more
But the guy at the top of the very top drawer.
Everybody loves old Boris
So everybody loves me!
Boris PM! Boris happy!
That's what I long to be!
I'm entitled, went to Eton,
I'm the right sort of cove!
I'll inherit, I am Chosen....
I am destined.....
To kick the shit out of Gove!
Emcee
And now, ladies and gentlemen. With Sally in post as Prime Minister, she looks across the ocean to renew a Special Relationship with the Baron of Bombast, the King of Chaos, the Leader of the Free World....... well, that's what it says here....
Mama Moreton/Donald Trump
Got a little motto, just right for a Brit,
Try to mess with Donald,
He'll treat you just like shit!
There's a lot of favours you're equipped to do,
You do one for Donald,
Then another, too!
Chlorinated chicken, hormone treated beef,
You say you won't accept it.
Just bow down to the chief!
I don't like opposition, especially from you,
Disagree with Donald,
You'll disappear from view!
So what's the one conclusion, unless you tell me yes?
Donald puts the boot in –
And takes the NHS!
Emcee
And now, ladies und gentlemen. They say you shouldn't make enemies on the way up – you might meet them again on the way down. But they never said that to Sally.... and Roxie Hart has not forgotten......
Roxie Hart/Michael Gove
The name on everybody's lips, it shoulda been – Govey!
The name right at your fingertips, it shoulda been – Govey!
I wanna be a superstar, that means having my name up in lights -
I'd be on telly every day, but Boris thinks it's his by rights!
The virus needs a fall guy - ain't a-gonna be Govey
Who says betrayal's not an art?
And if I have to take the flak
Who's gonna stab him in the back?
Roxie 'Govey' Hart!
Emcee
But then ladies und gentlemen, Sally falls ill with a mystery virus and somebody has to take over. Roxie sees her chance, but no, Sally wants not Roxie Hart but Amos Hart, probably because most people don't have a clue who he is!
Amos Hart/Dominic Raab
If someone stood in for the boss
Most folks would give a sort of toss
And if he answered PMQs
You'd notice him.
If someone gave the wrong advice
Was found to be quite imprecise
But still gave loads of interviews
You'd notice him.
Sunak and Hancock often get a break
Even Patel – though that's hard to take
I don't know how I manage to stay sane
No recognition of my Megabrain!
Megabrain
Mr Megabrain
Not that I'm too vain
Mr Megabrain
I can shout and bellow
Be tough or mellow
And no-one gives a damn!
Megabrain
Mr Megabrain
Couldn't be more plain
Mr Megabrain
I've got credentials
Cover the essentials
And no-one gives a damn!
Emcee
But, ladies and gentlemen, the virus takes hold! People die in their thousands! Businesses close, jobs are lost, the economy......... ah, the economy......... what can we do about the economy, it will need a a financial wizard, a necromancer, a sorcerer........
Billy Flynn/Rishi Sunak
Give 'em the young Dishy Rishi
Dishy Rishi 'em!
Give 'em an act with lots of glittering
They'll never know how much you're frittering.
Give 'em the old business rate relief
Hug and comfort 'em
How can they argue if they've got the cash?
Why not dispel their sorrow – most of it -
Though you will have to borrow most of it?
Dishy Rishi 'em
With a lot of panache!
Give 'em the old four fifths furlough
Dishy Rishi 'em!
Though their concerns are only workaday
Everyone loves a mortgage holiday!
Give 'em the chance to put off payments,
Blind and dazzle 'em
When you're in trouble find someone to blame!
Make sure they feel both wined and dined
Though later you'll have to rob them blind
Dishy Rishi 'em
And you can bask in the fame!
Emcee
And that concludes our show, ladies and gentlemen! But always remember that just like these fine folks here, you can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like, because life is just a cabaret old chum! Good night!
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Clips can be found at
Wilkommen : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBlB8RAJEEc
Maybe This Time : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMpSQV1-bsA
When You're Good to Mama : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy6j2LUyh24
Roxie : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-_HTUapDQo
Mr Cellophane : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKHzTtr_lNk&t=196s
Razzle Dazzle : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByeXMGqapnU
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