I once stood in a car park in America listening to a man strumming a guitar and singing a song called I Hate IKEA. I've only ever shopped there once myself and that was some years ago, but I still have to go and have a lie down and a cup of tea when I remember the experience. Whether space aliens have the same reaction I couldn't possibly say......
I doubt if this month's tale will help resolve that particular question, but I do hope you enjoy it anyway. Please pass the link on if you do, or Like it on Facebook. We're very up to date on The Autolycan.....
TWINKLE
TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR
Bizarre
UFO spotted above branch of IKEA
Daily Mirror
Well,
that's a bit of a turn up, isn't it? 'Scary but beautiful', the
Mirror
went
on to inform us, a form of words identical to the description offered
by the Daily
Mail,
possibly the first time that these two have agreed about anything
other than the date. But reports are all very clear that this UFO
was quite definitely above IKEA, not above a particular town or
region, as you might expect if it was several miles up in the sky.
To be 'above IKEA' it must have been very low, taking a particular
interest in a store where many of us burdened with inferior
intelligence and lesser technological capability fear to tread.
So
what was it doing there? And who were these aliens taking an
unlikely interest in sofa beds and smart tableware? Do they even
need flat pack furniture on whichever distant planet they hang their
hats, assuming of course that they have heads that require hats in
the first place? Perhaps – despite their hugely superior
technology – the one piece of kit they've repeatedly failed to
master over the aeons has been the Allen key, and this trip to IKEA
is a once and for all effort to make the next Great Leap Forward.
'O
Great Galactic Overlord, we have unlocked the secret of the Allen key
and can now, at will, fail to insert tenon 'A' into mortise 'B',
securing with locking piece AF 73 (supplied) using 10mm Allen key
(supplied), repeating on opposite corner.'
'But
had you not achieved this on your previous visit?'
'Sire,
despite assurances that sufficient locking pieces AF 73 were
supplied, we found this was not the case and had to go back to the
store. This time though we have also brought back a Ratchet Podger
spanner, which looks as though it ought to be jolly useful.'
'Hmm.
What have you brought back for me?'
'Sire,
we have brought you a self assembly POÄNG
Galactic Overlord's Throne, which we will be delighted to present to
you just as soon as we have deciphered the instructions.'
'What
do they say?'
'Använd
fästbeslag som är lämpade för väggarna i ditt hem (medföljer
ej.)'
'Hmm.
Have you brought anything else?'
'Sire,
as a special mark of respect we have brought you some of their
meatballs. We do not know why they sell these in a furniture store.'
Or
is there perhaps more to it than that? Have they really come
zillions of miles for new patio furniture or a novelty wine rack? Is
this part of something bigger?
Let's
see. What do you know about KIC 8462852? Admittedly, the
astronomers don't help themselves here – a name like Abigail or
Barney would be rather more memorable - but this catchily named star
hangs out in a distant constellation and has a light output which
shows regular and huge fluctuations. This has aroused fevered
speculation that KIC 8462852 is home to a super intelligent alien
species which might have built a vast megastructure of solar panels
surrounding the star in order to capture its energy. We are talking
something rather grander than a few wind turbines here but apparently
this is the sort of thing that advanced civilisations do. Now, KIC
8462852 is about 1500 light years from Earth, which means that the
light we now see from it began its journey around 500 AD - our time.
Down here on dear old Planet Earth that was a time when King Arthur –
if he ever existed at all – was still fretting about the Saxons,
and Beowulf was at large in a Sweden still some way off giving birth
to IKEA, Volvo cars or even ABBA.
It
was, in short, a very long time ago, and if the lads on KIC 8462852
had solar panels at that time the chances are they'll need replacing
by now.
IKEA
sell a 'competitively priced' range of solar panels. This is
starting to fall into place.
Let's
take a couple of minutes to work out what our alien shoppers might be
after. For this, we need to make some assumptions – firstly that
their sun is about the same size as ours, secondly that their array
of panels doesn't surround the entire star (otherwise we wouldn't see
any light at all never mind fluctuations), and thirdly that Mr
Chalmers (Maths) knew whereof he spoke when he taught me geometry –
or tried to – all those years ago.
Our
sun has a radius of about 450,000 miles and if we assume that theirs
is much the same, and that you wouldn't want to build your structure
too close to it lest it melt, we can postulate a sphere of panels
with a radius of about a million miles, give or take. I'm guessing
that this is a partial sphere which surrounds about a third of the
star in total, and now I can hear Mr Chalmers' calm but insistent
voice telling me that what I need to determine the total surface area
of this partial sphere in square miles is 4π
r2
divided by 3, where r = 1 million miles. If Mr Chalmers did his
stuff that comes to about 4.1866 trillion square miles (Short scale
trillion that is, not long scale, I wouldn't want to mislead you.)
Now,
IKEA will sell you a pack of panels covering approximately 20 sq
metres for £4500. We might need to round things a bit here,
especially as Mr Chalmers didn't employ a pocket calculator and
doubtless didn't recognise square metres on principle, but apparently
there are about 2.6 million of these little fellows to the square
mile.
Mr
C would have required me to show full working for this of course, but
for now let's say that we can derive a total cost from the following
:-
Total
sq metres required = 4.1866 trillion sq miles each of 2.6 million sq
metres.
Divide
by 20 to give number of packs of panels required
Multiply
by 4500 to get total price in £s.
So,
our aliens could be looking at a handsome new array of IKEA solar
panels for only
about
£2.45 quadrillion. Less any promotional coupons or gift tokens that
they might hold.
(I
can see the shade of Mr Chalmers peering at me, but can't tell
whether he's smiling benignly or shaking his head sadly. I never got
past O Level in Maths so I'm a bit hazy on quadrillions and the
like.)
The
price of course includes VAT and I expect they would want to try to
claim that back since the goods were to be exported out of the EU.
They would quote VAT Notice 703 and there would then be the mother
and father of all rows, since while KIC 8462852 is undoubtedly not in
the EU – or not yet anyway – there are plenty of juicy legal fees
to be had out of arguing whether it is one of the 'Countries and
Territories outside the European Fiscal (VAT) Area' within the
meaning of Paragraph 2.9 of the Notice.
What's
more, the Sales Assistant in IKEA would be programmed to tell them
that the price includes fitting. Given the cost and the time and the
distance, our customers might well haggle for a discount if they took
the panels away and installed them themselves, thereby avoiding the
necessity of relying on an unfeasibly large fleet of men and a
similarly improbable fleet of Ford Transits to drive the 1500 light
years to do the job.
At
this juncture the Sales Assistant would no doubt be programmed to
summon the Manager, who would point out that any such arrangement
would invalidate the guarantee, and they would reply that even at a
fairly nifty warp speed the guarantee would in any case expire before
they got home. It might even have to go to Head Office.......
Or
is this all a bit fanciful? After all, I suppose there's no real
proof that they've been shopping at IKEA, and the sale of all those
solar panels would probably be a bit difficult to hush up. Perhaps
it's something simpler. Perhaps they didn't land at all, and were
merely on a reconnaissance mission, possibly to ascertain whether
Planet Earth was yet ready to join the Galactic Federation. If so,
we might surmise that their report and recommendations were not
favourable.
'Sire,
we have observed some strange and inexplicable behaviour. We
observed a female attempting to buy a ticket for one of their
'trains.' (They still use money.) It transpired that two single
tickets will be cheaper than one return, except on those occasions
when they aren't. Subject could travel only on a train belonging to
a specified company – there were apparently several – otherwise
there were severe penalties. Subject could travel only at the stated
time, otherwise there were severe penalties. Subject could not board
a late running train (they still have late running trains) even
though it was actually leaving at the stated time, otherwise there
were severe penalties. Her train was heavily overcrowded, and she
could neither sit nor stand in the area stipulated by her ticket.
Standing in a forbidden area, even though there was no alternative,
incurred severe penalties. We could make no sense of this.
On
arrival at her destination, Subject made her way to a field where it
appeared some sort of sporting entertainment was scheduled to take
place. The entire event lasted four of their Earth days, during
which time most potential spectators were at work. There were
frequent interruptions, either for meals, or because it was raining,
or because it was alleged to be getting a bit too cloudy. As far as
could be ascertained, neither side won. We calculate that the
expense involved in staging the event would have far exceeded the
income generated. We could make no sense of this.
Once
the 'entertainment' was completed, Subject made her way to a branch
of IKEA, a store incomprehensibly described as a 'retail outlet.'
She joined a crocodile of people all circumnavigating the store in
the same direction. Going against the flow was frowned on. When
passing a display of garden furniture she took some considerable time
to locate a pen which actually worked. She then scribbled some notes
on a piece of paper, armed with which she joined a queue and waited
for a man to bark a set of co-ordinates at her. These led her to an
area where it was alleged she could collect her purchases. This
proved easier said than done, not least because she was quite short
by human standards and unable to reach the required items. Having
resolved this difficulty she had to wait in another queue to pay for
her purchases, but since she had no means of transporting them
herself she had to wait in a third queue to arrange delivery. All
this queuing resulted in missing her train home, which incurred
severe penalties. We could make no sense of this.'
'And
your conclusion is?'
'Sire,
we we think it unlikely that they are yet fit for admission to the
Galactic Federation.'
The
Galactic Overlord nodded wistfully.
'I
see,' he mused, 'some rugs and curtains, perhaps a couple of rather
stunning throws to complement the throne would have been nice. I
might have been persuaded to take a chance on them but for one
thing.'
'Sire?'
'Primitive
technology again. They cannot keep meatballs warm. These ones are
stone cold. Review the situation in another thousand years. That
will be all.'
For
informed, incisive political commentary, look no further than....
ANAGRAM
CORNER
DONALD
TRUMP, CANDIDATE
DIRE,
MADCAP DOLT. AND NUT.
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