POOH, PIGLET AND PILLAGE

Hello again, and welcome to April's edition of The Autolycan.  Although the standfirst suggests that this is something to do with the Vikings again, it isn't really.  Honest.

But it is to do with cuddly bears, which, to my great surprise, the Guardian's article suggests was one of the Vikings' interests.  Who would have thought it?  

If you like this one, do please pass the link on.  Go on, do it now.

POOH, PIGLET AND PILLAGE

They are generally thought of as unkempt, bloodthirsty raiders who caused mayhem wherever they went. But the Vikings were also skilled traders who loved jewellery and personal grooming – and even had a soft spot for cuddly bears.

                                                                                                    The Guardian

CHAPTER ONE

In which Pooh raises an invasion force, and Piglet thinks of a Noffer

One day, a very long time ago, so long ago in fact that not even Owl could remember it, I said to you in a careless sort of way that Vikings like us ought to be planning a bloodthirsty invasion of England. You agreed that was a good idea and I asked who you thought should lead it. You frowned, and when that didn't work you frowned again, harder and harder until it did work.

'I think,' you said, 'that Pooh would be a perfect leader for the invasion. He may not have much Brain, but he is Loyal and True.'

'What about his loose eye?' I asked, but you weren't really listening.

'Pooh has Something About Him', you said. 'Pooh has Leadership Qualities. He is Officer Material.'

'Really?'

'Yes. If the French had only ditched Napoleon in favour of Pooh before Waterloo, Things would have been Different. We'd all be living in the Bois des 40.4686 Hectares and Piglet and Rabbit would have been turned into a nice terrine long ago.'

'Very well,' I smiled, 'Pooh it is.'

So off you went to tell Pooh that he was to be Top Viking and lead a ferocious invading force, and you found him sitting on a log outside his house.

When you finished, the Light of Battle was shining in Pooh's loose eye, but then he held up a paw, rather like a Bear in Doubt.

'I am a Bear in Doubt,' he said slowly, 'if I am to lead an invasion I need Rank, I need Clout.'

'We could make you Captain,' you said hurriedly because you could see that he was about to make up one of his hums, quite probably rhyming Doubtful with Cloutful.

Pooh thought about that and then smiled a cunning sort of smile.

'What about a Good Supply of hunny as well?'

'Unlimited!'

Pooh put on his Serious Face and nodded. 'He that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother,' he said, before pausing and adding 'except Eeyore, perhaps.'

By this time Pooh was so excited that he made up a little hum on the spot, such as a Proud Bear who has Extracted Important Concessions from Superiors would hum.

He wanted me to lead the troops

Me – Pooh Bear Esquire!

He wanted me to go to war

Me – An Axe for Hire!

I said I'll do it, at a price -

Hunny and promotion!

So now I've got a Captain-ship

And hunny by the ocean!

He was so pleased with this that he set off straight away to recruit Piglet into his invasion force. But then he stopped and thought. And the harder he thought the more he knew that to recruit a gang of desperadoes such as Piglet and Tigger, or even Rabbit would require a Strategic Plan. And the best Strategic Plan I know, he thought, is in the hunny pot. And the next day, when he was full of Strategic Plan, he stomped off to find Piglet.

Piglet wasn't sure. He hummed and hahed.

'Hum' said Piglet.

'Yes,' said Pooh, 'I quite understand.' Though of course, he didn't.

'Just a moment,' said Piglet.

Pooh waited.

'Hah,' said Piglet 'you see, I hadn't finished.'

'Did the hah help?' asked Pooh, showing Proper Concern for a Subordinate.

'Not really' said Piglet.

'I thought not,' said Pooh, shaking his head sadly, 'it doesn't usually. Then he had a Bright Idea. 'A Captain should have a batman, though,' he went on, and Piglet was so excited at the thought of getting a cape and mask that he agreed to it before thinking whether he should ask Dull But Important questions about Terms and Conditions and whether or not there was a Pension.

At that moment there was a rumbling and a scrumbling and a scruffling in the bushes.

'That sort of a rumbling and a scrumbling and a scruffling' said Pooh 'usually means Eeyore.'

'Well, well, Pooh and Piglet' said Eeyore, poking his head above the bushes. 'But don't take any notice of me. Nobody does.'

He chewed listlessly on a piece of gorse.

'Not that it matters' he added.

'I'm recruiting an invasion force' announced Pooh, changing the subject.

'What's that?' asked Eeyore.

'An invasion force' explained Pooh. 'For invading places' he added, helpfully.

Eeyore selected a particularly dry and prickly bit of gorse.

'Oh,' he said, 'you mean Pillage and Plunder. Mayhem. Riot and Commotion.'

He chewed again.

'Can't stand gorse,' he remarked, 'not Fit for Consumption. Long word, you know, meaning Consumption. I think though that I'm busy that day, but thank you for asking me. Oh, you didn't.'

Between you and me, Pooh was quite relieved that Eeyore wouldn't be invading with them and decided there and then that they would need a Home Guard and that Eeyore should be part of it.

'You will have a Very Important Role' he said solemnly, and left Eeyore practising some Very Important Rolls in the gorse bushes while he and his batman strode off to find the others.

From some way off they heard a loud bouncing noise near the Six Pine Trees, and a loud bouncing noise mostly means Tigger. Tigger had been trying to teach Rabbit to bounce but Rabbit was more interested in why something which bounced up – like Tigger – always bounced back down again - like Tigger – and had almost invented gravity when Pooh and Piglet appeared.

'I need some Stout Fellows,' Pooh began, and wondered why Tigger and Rabbit looked at him like that, 'to join my invasion force,' he added.

'Hoo, hoo, hoo!' hooted Tigger. 'Invading is what Tiggers do best! Will there be boot and looty? I mean..... spoot and loils, I mean......what's in it for us?'

'I have nothing to offer' declared Pooh loftily, 'but blood, toil, tears and sweat,' but then when he looked round Tigger and Rabbit were nowhere to be seen, and Owl was watching from a nearby tree.

'In the event of Encountering Spirited Resistance, you must be able to Formulate an Offer' lectured Owl.

Pooh looked puzzled. 'A Noffer?'

'Yes. Something to Persuade Doubters. It can be something quite simple.'

And then Piglet, friend and batman to Pooh; Piglet, a Small Animal who wasn't Brave and who rarely had Bright Ideas, said 'What about a helmet with horns? They'd all like a helmet with horns.'

'Piglet,' said Pooh, slowly and seriously, 'that is a wonderful Noffer, that is the best Noffer anyone could possibly think of. You have made a Magnificent Contribution.'

Piglet went bright pink but didn't dare ask what a Maleficent Ablution was. Pooh meanwhile rushed off to tell Rabbit and Tigger about the Noffer, but not before he'd gone home for a little Sustenance, which he thought was quite proper for a Captain about to lead an invasion.

CHAPTER TWO

In which Pooh and his gang of desperadoes go on an invasion, and Piglet shows

Unexpected Pluck.

And so the invasion force was raised and a boat was made ready.

'It'll have to have a name,' you said, and I rather think it was you who suggested The Pooh Bearer.

The invasion force set off with Pooh in charge, Rabbit and Tigger looking fierce in their horned helmets and Piglet wondering if he had made a Bad Choice, because the more he thought about it the more he was getting Cold Feet.

'I don't think Piglets are cut out for Pillaging and Plundering' he said to himself, but only under his breath because a Captain's batman had Responsibilities and shouldn't really Quake in Fear.

Owl, who could not only fly but also read and write – even though not very well – was in charge of Communications and spent a lot of time flying around saying things like 'Roger that' and 'Over and Out' although nobody had the faintest idea why, not even Owl.  Apart from that though he never communicated anything to anybody on the grounds that it was all Top Secret and his beak was sealed.

Pooh was kept busy looking important and having a little something Now and Again to Keep Out The Cold.

'Bother,' he thought as he went to the Hunny Store for the fifth time that day, 'I don't know if this is Now or Again. Then he realised it didn't matter, and hummed a rare Hunny Hum that he reserved for Very Special Occasions.

I like my hunny stiff

And I like my hunny runny

I don't know which one this is

But it's worth a lot of money

I like my hunny runny

And I like my hunny stiff

I don't know which one this is

But it's worth a little sniff

But then he thought happily that perhaps it was worth more than just a little sniff.......

Rabbit and Tigger spent most of the voyage wearing their helmets, and practising baring their teeth, so that they would be quite ready for battle when they reached the coast.

One evening, Pooh was sitting chatting to Piglet about this and that, mostly this, when his brow clouded over.

'Piglet, old Friend,' he said slowly, 'I am weighed down by a Secret. It is a Heavy Secret such as a Bear could only tell a Loyal and Trusted Friend.'

Piglet gulped, but when Pooh looked as though he was about to carry on anyway, he tried to splutter and gulp at the same time and had to have a lie down.

'The thing is,' said Pooh, 'I have been put in charge of The Pooh Bearer and that means doing the Right Thing.'

'Oh dear,' said Piglet, trying to sound sympathetic.

'But I can't do the Right Thing because I do not know the way. We are lost, little Piglet, and I need someone who Understands Things to help.'

Piglet said nothing, but thought that Owl Understood Things better than anyone.

'Owl knows things like whether i goes before e,' he said to himself. 'Unless it's the other way round. He'll know what to do.'

And so Piglet plucked up courage and asked Owl's advice. Owl replied by hopping from one foot to the other and looking grave.

'You are looking grave' said Piglet.

'Yes,' replied Owl, 'it's the best way of Dealing with an Emergency.'  And he flew off gravely to talk to Pooh.

'Pooh,' he began, as though it were the most natural thing in the world, 'I wondered if you were planning to go via the Lofoten Islands at all.'

Pooh tried to say 'Yes, of course' but it came out rather more like 'The Whatoten Islands? Wha... I mean where...... I mean wh...., I mean... erm....'

'Only I've just had an Important Communication which says they're closed for repairs,' went on Owl, 'and that we should head North West by North South.'

And when Pooh looked puzzled he added 'That way,' pointing a wing.

I really don't know, and I don't suppose you do either, whether Owl knew that he was sending The Pooh Bearer back to where it started from, but before long that's exactly where they were. You were there to greet them, so too was Eeyore. Rabbit hopped up to him.

'Hello Eeyore,' he said, excitedly, 'we've done an invasion! We've been invading! Why didn't you come with us?'

'Eeyore looked at him gloomily.

'Each to his own, little Rabbit,' he said. 'While you were off enjoying yourselves, I was here. Keeping Things Ticking Over. Someone had to. Not that anyone noticed.'

He swished his tail mournfully.

'But there it is.'

But when Pooh came ashore you rushed up and hugged him and hugged him.

'Captain Bear!' you cried, 'I do love you!'

And there were hugs for Owl, for Rabbit and Tigger as well, and a special one for Piglet when Pooh said he had been very Plucky.

Piglet went pink all over again, and was so thrilled he ran all the way home. But he was in much too much of a state to sleep that night, saying to himself over and over 'Well, well, Plucky Piglet, Piglet the Plucky, well, well, well.....'

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ANAGRAM CORNER....

.......has for this month become Caption Corner.  Last month I invited captions for this picture.  My favourite entry is spoken by the soldier immediately to the right of the woman.....

For God's sake, Sir, get a grip!