But it is to do with cuddly bears, which, to my great surprise, the Guardian's article suggests was one of the Vikings' interests. Who would have thought it?
If you like this one, do please pass the link on. Go on, do it now.
POOH,
PIGLET AND PILLAGE
They
are generally thought of as unkempt, bloodthirsty raiders who caused
mayhem wherever they went. But the Vikings were also skilled traders
who loved jewellery and personal grooming – and even had a soft
spot for cuddly bears.
The
Guardian
CHAPTER ONE
In
which Pooh raises an invasion force, and Piglet thinks of a Noffer
One day, a very long time ago, so long ago in fact that not even Owl
could remember it, I said to you in a careless sort of way that
Vikings like us ought to be planning a bloodthirsty invasion of
England. You agreed that was a good idea and I asked who you thought
should lead it. You frowned, and when that didn't work you frowned
again, harder and harder until it did work.
'I think,' you said, 'that Pooh would be a perfect leader for the
invasion. He may not have much Brain, but he is Loyal and True.'
'What about his loose eye?' I asked, but you weren't really
listening.
'Pooh has Something About Him', you said. 'Pooh has Leadership
Qualities. He is Officer Material.'
'Really?'
'Yes. If the French had only ditched Napoleon in favour of Pooh
before Waterloo, Things would have been Different. We'd all be living
in the Bois des 40.4686 Hectares and Piglet and Rabbit would have
been turned into a nice terrine long ago.'
'Very well,' I smiled, 'Pooh it is.'
So off you went to tell Pooh that he was to be Top Viking and lead a
ferocious invading force, and you found him sitting on a log outside
his house.
When you finished, the Light of Battle was shining in Pooh's loose
eye, but then he held up a paw, rather like a Bear in Doubt.
'I am a Bear in Doubt,' he said slowly, 'if I am to lead an invasion
I need Rank, I need Clout.'
'We could make you Captain,' you said hurriedly because you could see
that he was about to make up one of his hums, quite probably rhyming
Doubtful with Cloutful.
Pooh thought about that and then smiled a cunning sort of smile.
'What about a Good Supply of hunny as well?'
'Unlimited!'
Pooh put on his Serious Face and nodded. 'He that sheds his blood
with me shall be my brother,' he said, before pausing and adding
'except Eeyore, perhaps.'
By this time Pooh was so excited that he made up a little hum on the
spot, such as a Proud Bear who has Extracted Important Concessions
from Superiors would hum.
He wanted me to lead the troops
Me – Pooh Bear Esquire!
He wanted me to go to war
Me – An Axe for Hire!
I said I'll do it, at a price -
Hunny and promotion!
So now I've got a Captain-ship
And hunny by the ocean!
He was so pleased with this that he set off straight away to recruit
Piglet into his invasion force. But then he stopped and thought.
And the harder he thought the more he knew that to recruit a gang of
desperadoes such as Piglet and Tigger, or even Rabbit would require a
Strategic Plan. And the best Strategic Plan I know, he thought, is
in the hunny pot. And the next day, when he was full of Strategic
Plan, he stomped off to find Piglet.
Piglet wasn't sure. He hummed and hahed.
'Hum' said Piglet.
'Yes,' said Pooh, 'I quite understand.' Though of course, he didn't.
'Just a moment,' said Piglet.
Pooh waited.
'Hah,' said Piglet 'you see, I hadn't finished.'
'Did the hah help?' asked Pooh, showing Proper Concern for a
Subordinate.
'Not really' said Piglet.
'I thought not,' said Pooh, shaking his head sadly, 'it doesn't
usually. Then he had a Bright Idea. 'A Captain should have a
batman, though,' he went on, and Piglet was so excited at the thought
of getting a cape and mask that he agreed to it before thinking
whether he should ask Dull But Important questions about Terms and
Conditions and whether or not there was a Pension.
At that moment there was a rumbling and a scrumbling and a scruffling
in the bushes.
'That sort of a rumbling and a scrumbling and a scruffling' said Pooh
'usually means Eeyore.'
'Well, well, Pooh and Piglet' said Eeyore, poking his head above the
bushes. 'But don't take any notice of me. Nobody does.'
He chewed listlessly on a piece of gorse.
'Not that it matters' he added.
'I'm recruiting an invasion force' announced Pooh, changing the
subject.
'What's that?' asked Eeyore.
'An invasion force' explained Pooh. 'For invading places' he added,
helpfully.
Eeyore selected a particularly dry and prickly bit of gorse.
'Oh,' he said, 'you mean Pillage and Plunder. Mayhem. Riot and
Commotion.'
He chewed again.
'Can't stand gorse,' he remarked, 'not Fit for Consumption. Long
word, you know, meaning Consumption. I think though that I'm busy
that day, but thank you for asking me. Oh, you didn't.'
Between you and me, Pooh was quite relieved that Eeyore wouldn't be
invading with them and decided there and then that they would need a
Home Guard and that Eeyore should be part of it.
'You will have a Very Important Role' he said solemnly, and left
Eeyore practising some Very Important Rolls in the gorse bushes while
he and his batman strode off to find the others.
From some way off they heard a loud bouncing noise near the Six Pine
Trees, and a loud bouncing noise mostly means Tigger. Tigger had
been trying to teach Rabbit to bounce but Rabbit was more interested
in why something which bounced up – like Tigger – always bounced
back down again - like Tigger – and had almost invented gravity
when Pooh and Piglet appeared.
'I need some Stout Fellows,' Pooh began, and wondered why Tigger and
Rabbit looked at him like that, 'to join my invasion force,' he
added.
'Hoo, hoo, hoo!' hooted Tigger. 'Invading is what Tiggers do best!
Will there be boot and looty? I mean..... spoot and loils, I
mean......what's in it for us?'
'I have nothing to offer' declared Pooh loftily, 'but blood, toil,
tears and sweat,' but then when he looked round Tigger and Rabbit
were nowhere to be seen, and Owl was watching from a nearby tree.
'In the event of Encountering Spirited Resistance, you must be able
to Formulate an Offer' lectured Owl.
Pooh looked puzzled. 'A Noffer?'
'Yes. Something to Persuade Doubters. It can be something quite
simple.'
And then Piglet, friend and batman to Pooh; Piglet, a Small Animal
who wasn't Brave and who rarely had Bright Ideas, said 'What about a
helmet with horns? They'd all like a helmet with horns.'
'Piglet,' said Pooh, slowly and seriously, 'that is a wonderful
Noffer, that is the best Noffer anyone could possibly think of. You have made
a Magnificent Contribution.'
Piglet went bright pink but didn't dare ask what a Maleficent
Ablution was. Pooh meanwhile rushed off to tell Rabbit and Tigger
about the Noffer, but not before he'd gone home for a little
Sustenance, which he thought was quite proper for a Captain about to
lead an invasion.
CHAPTER TWO
In
which Pooh and his gang of desperadoes go on an invasion, and Piglet
shows
Unexpected
Pluck.
And so the invasion force was raised and a boat was made ready.
'It'll
have to have a name,' you said, and I rather think it was you who
suggested The Pooh Bearer.
The invasion force set off with Pooh in charge, Rabbit and Tigger
looking fierce in their horned helmets and Piglet wondering if he had
made a Bad Choice, because the more he thought about it the more he
was getting Cold Feet.
'I don't think Piglets are cut out for Pillaging and Plundering' he
said to himself, but only under his breath because a Captain's batman
had Responsibilities and shouldn't really Quake in Fear.
Owl, who could not only fly but also read and write – even though
not very well – was in charge of Communications and spent a lot of
time flying around saying things like 'Roger that' and 'Over and Out'
although nobody had the faintest idea why, not even Owl. Apart from that though he never communicated anything to anybody on the grounds
that it was all Top Secret and his beak was sealed.
Pooh was kept busy looking important and having a little something
Now and Again to Keep Out The Cold.
'Bother,' he thought as he went to the Hunny Store for the fifth time
that day, 'I don't know if this is Now or Again. Then he realised it
didn't matter, and hummed a rare Hunny Hum that he reserved for Very
Special Occasions.
I like my hunny stiff
And I like my hunny runny
I don't know which one this is
But it's worth a lot of money
I like my hunny runny
And I like my hunny stiff
I don't know which one this is
But it's worth a little sniff
But then he thought happily that perhaps it was worth more than just
a little sniff.......
Rabbit and Tigger spent most of the voyage wearing their helmets, and
practising baring their teeth, so that they would be quite ready for
battle when they reached the coast.
One evening, Pooh was sitting chatting to Piglet about this and that,
mostly this, when his brow clouded over.
'Piglet, old Friend,' he said slowly, 'I am weighed down by a Secret.
It is a Heavy Secret such as a Bear could only tell a Loyal and
Trusted Friend.'
Piglet gulped, but when Pooh looked as though he was about to carry
on anyway, he tried to splutter and gulp at the same time and had to
have a lie down.
'The
thing is,' said Pooh, 'I have been put in charge of The
Pooh Bearer and that means doing
the Right Thing.'
'Oh dear,' said Piglet, trying to sound sympathetic.
'But I can't do the Right Thing because I do not know the way. We
are lost, little Piglet, and I need someone who Understands Things to
help.'
Piglet said nothing, but thought that Owl Understood Things better
than anyone.
'Owl knows things like whether i goes before e,' he said to himself.
'Unless it's the other way round. He'll know what to do.'
And so Piglet plucked up courage and asked Owl's advice. Owl replied
by hopping from one foot to the other and looking grave.
'You are looking grave' said Piglet.
'Yes,' replied Owl, 'it's the best way of Dealing with an Emergency.' And he flew off gravely to talk to Pooh.
'Pooh,' he began, as though it were the most natural thing in the
world, 'I wondered if you were planning to go via the Lofoten Islands
at all.'
Pooh tried to say 'Yes, of course' but it came out rather more like
'The Whatoten Islands? Wha... I mean where...... I mean wh...., I mean... erm....'
'Only I've just had an Important Communication which says they're
closed for repairs,' went on Owl, 'and that we should head North West
by North South.'
And when Pooh looked puzzled he added 'That way,' pointing a wing.
I
really don't know, and I don't suppose you do either, whether Owl
knew that he was sending The Pooh Bearer back
to where it started from, but before long that's exactly where they
were. You were there to greet them, so too was Eeyore. Rabbit
hopped up to him.
'Hello Eeyore,' he said, excitedly, 'we've done an invasion! We've
been invading! Why didn't you come with us?'
'Eeyore looked at him gloomily.
'Each to his own, little Rabbit,' he said. 'While you were off
enjoying yourselves, I was here. Keeping Things Ticking Over.
Someone had to. Not that anyone noticed.'
He swished his tail mournfully.
'But there it is.'
But when Pooh came ashore you rushed up and hugged him and hugged
him.
'Captain Bear!' you cried, 'I do love you!'
And there were hugs for Owl, for Rabbit and Tigger as well, and a
special one for Piglet when Pooh said he had been very Plucky.
Piglet went pink all over again, and was so thrilled he ran all the
way home. But he was in much too much of a state to sleep that
night, saying to himself over and over 'Well, well, Plucky Piglet,
Piglet the Plucky, well, well, well.....'
_________________________________________________________________________
ANAGRAM CORNER....
.......has for this month become Caption Corner. Last month I invited captions for this picture. My favourite entry is spoken by the soldier immediately to the right of the woman.....
For God's sake, Sir, get a grip!
