WIDE BOY

Hello and welcome to July's Autolycan, which I have to admit openly invites you to enjoy the misfortunes of others.  The main story concerns quite a serious mistake someone has made at work, and to try to understand how it happened I got my investigative reporter hat out and went in search of evidence.  Of course, there wasn't any, so just like a real reporter I made some up. It's interesting though to consider how such a mistake could possibly have been made - if you have any other ideas do please let me know either by emailing me at
autolycus14@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on this edition of the blog - just click on the Comments section at the bottom.

WIDE BOY

French rail company orders 2000 trains too wide for platforms

                                                                                                                          Reuters     

Attention, mesdames, messieurs! S'il vous plaît! S'il vous plaît! Encore une fois! Je vous en prie!

I don't normally ask you to go back and read the standfirst again – that's right, that bit at the top in the purplish font and the yellow highlighting – but on this occasion do please take a moment to savour the sheer, overwhelming fauxness of the pas some hapless bureaucrat somewhere has made. He – or she – has signed an order, formed a binding contract, to buy 2000 trains. Yes, two thousand trains. TWO THOUSAND. And they're the wrong size. Too wide for the generously proportioned French platforms. Chinless Wonder In Great Train Blunder! as our own Sun might have had it. Quelle horreur!

I know, I know. This story is going to bring out the worst in all of us. Back in the day, Arthur Schopenhauer, who by all accounts knew a thing or two about bad behaviour, observed that schadenfreude, a mischievous delight in the misfortunes of others, 'remains the worst trait in human nature.' No problem then - if a trait's as enduring as all that, why bother even trying to resist? You might as well just give in and enjoy it.

Relax. Take your time. Think of the most bungling, the most disastrous, embarrassing, excruciating mistake you have ever made at work; your most cringingly, toe-curlingly mortifying blunder ever, remember how it felt and then multiply by ten. Are you close? Of course you're not. All over France, shoulders will be shrugging and palms spreading outwards in that peculiarly Gallic gesture which means pretty much anything the shrugger/spreader wants it to mean, but on this occasion translates as 'Oh là là! Thank God it wasn't me. I wonder who it was?'

And it was somebody. But who? And how? True, French train staff always seem helpful and obliging, but surely there must be a better explanation for this apparent boules-up than an accommodating wish to provide an English blog writer with a sharp stick with which to poke fun at the French. Not much gloire there.

And before anyone suggests it, let's not jump to the obvious conclusion that this mega-sottise is the result of a long and increasingly convivial lunch drifting inexorably from cocktail through coq au vin to calamitous cock up, a delightfully chilled Chablis with the paté de foie, perhaps a Meursault with the coq itself...

'...oh, and Jean-Claude, I think you'll be impressed by a remarkably fine Muscat they have here which complements the pear tarte tatin to perfection. You must try it.'

'Well, perhaps just a glass. I say, it is exceptional isn't it? Perhaps there might just be time for another?'

'Yes, I don't know about you but I always think a meal isn't really complete if you don't have a cognac with the coffee.'

'Goodness me, that's quite a large one, isn't it? ….....well, thank you so much but I really must be getting back, I've got four thousand trains to order by two o'clock, no, that can't be right, two thousand by four o'clock, I think that must be it, ha ha ha! New supplier, I think their last job was for a British train company, better just make sure they're not still working in feet and inches, ha, ha, ha!'

'Ha, ha, ha!'

No; to assume such a scenario would betray lazy, stereotypical, probably borderline racist thinking, so let's consciously uncouple from that line of reasoning - to use the modern argot - and hitch our search for a plausible explanation to an altogether different wagon. Better, perhaps, to think about the dynamics of the purchasing office itself. Picture the scene – frenetic clattering and pecking at keyboards, phones ringing unanswered, occasional raucous laughter from somewhere near the water cooler, but a general air of purposeful hubbub. At least, there is while the Purchasing Department's Rolling Stock Manager is walking through the office. The Rolling Stock Manager is a man in his early 60s, tall, elegant and prosperous looking. Authority sits easily on him. He prides himself on 'running a tight ship' and is used to being obeyed. Without exception, his staff are deferential, referring to him as Maître, and to avoid misunderstandings repeat his orders back to him in the manner of a sous-chef confirming the orders passed on by the boss.

'We'll need a couple more quotes for the catering equipment in the dining car.'

'Two more quotes for the catering equipment, Maître!'

'See if you can push them for a better price if we buy five.'

'Pushing for a better price on five, Maître!'

Often, the instructions are then passed on again to an underling and repeated back in the same way, so that there is a regular staccato crackle of commands going up and down the chain. But the Maître knows that all this will change soon. He is two or three months away from retiring, and painfully aware that his successor will take a very different approach. He is determined, though, to pass on an efficient and successful department. His memory will be respected. That is why this train order means so much to him.

Today, the Maître is later than usual coming into the office. He has earlier attended a Board meeting which has reviewed the number of trains to be purchased, and has come away very displeased. He was already concerned that a huge order for 1500 trains was too large to handle properly, too difficult to control. Too much chance of something going wrong, putting his legacy - his cherished legacy! - in danger. So it is a worried and angry Maître who returns to the office with news that the order is being increased by 500. Two thousand trains!

He summons his immediate team to him.

'The Board' he announces 'are taking what they are pleased to call 'a broader perspective, a wider view'. Heaven help us, but my instructions are that we increase the order by 500 trains to a total of 2000. Encore cinq cent!'

The team stare at him and at each other. No-one dare argue with the boss.

'A wider view. Encore cinq cent Maître' they chorus, miserably, before going off to relay the unwelcome news to their teams, who are, not surprisingly, disbelieving.

'A wider view? Encore cinq cent? Surely you told him! What did you say?'

'We said OK, more trains, the Board takes a wider view, encore cinq cent, Maître.'

And so the fateful conversation rattles up and down the lines, mutating ever so slightly, but ever so significantly as it does so. You know about Chinese whispers. Send three and fourpence we're going to a dance. And it's the same in the purchasing office. Eventually, a junior purchaser called Jean-Claude, trying to make a name for himself, rings the supplier with the fatal message 'The Board wants more trains, wider too, encore cinq centimetres.'

Hmm. You're not really convinced, are you? Well, I can't say I blame you. But if it's not booze and it's not a misheard instruction, what else could it be? Deliberate sabotage? But why? Surely not just plain carelessness. What about overweening pride and ambition?

Ring......ring.......ring..........

'Hello, SNCF purchasing, how can I help?'

'Ah, Jean-Claude! Philippe here, it's about the 2000 trains you've ordered.'

'Yes, that's my baby, and a pretty hefty baby it is!'

'Great news, Jean-Claude! I've just today been told that I can offer you a truly incredible deal on the order! More train for your money! More bangs for your buck, as an American customer of mine somewhat incomprehensibly puts it, ha ha ha!'

'Ha ha ha!'

'Thought you'd like that, Jean-Claude! Well, this slightly altered design takes account of the fact that many of today's passengers are getting more - how can I put this diplomatically – well fed. It provides exactly the same number of seats, but each one slightly roomier. Get in on this one while you can, Jean-Claude! It'll give your company a huge competitive advantage on standards of comfort! And just think what it'll do for your career! You'll really get noticed – this one deal could set you up for life!'

'Perhaps I'd better talk to my boss...'

'No time, Jean-Claude, I need an answer now, the Brits are sniffing around – they want a big chunk of this action, too! You can't afford to miss out! Look, I'll fax all the technical stuff over now, have a quick skim through, sign it and bring it straight round to me. Steal a march on the Brits and put the name of Jean-Claude up there in lights in train purchasing circles!'

'OK, I'll do it.'

Several weeks later........

'Jean-Claude.'

'Yes, Maître?'

'Step into my office for a few moments, please.'

'Certainly, Maître.'

'I expect you know why I've asked you in?'

'Those magnificent new trains I got such a good deal on?'

'Broadly speaking, yes. Yes, I think broadly is perhaps le mot juste.'

'The two thousand? That's two thousand great reasons for us to have a chat about pay and prospects, Maître!'

'I'm so glad we see eye to eye, Jean-Claude. Pay and prospects do indeed form part of the little chat I wanted to have.'

'Great!'

'But first, a wider concern, Jean-Claude, a mere bagatelle, perhaps, but those trains should have started arriving by now. They haven't. Do you know why, Jean-Claude?'

'Perhaps some technical detail? A problem training crews? Supplier not meeting deadlines? I don't know, but it's as broad as it's long, really, because.....'

'As broad as it's long. A peculiarly apt phrase if I may so, Jean-Claude. Peculiarly apt. They are indeed almost as broad as they are long'.

'Maître?'

The Maître got up and crossed to look out of the window. Paris looked surpassingly beautiful from up here; he would miss the sight of the sun winking off the Seine, Nôtre Dame - timeless and majestic - rearing from it, the magnificent sprawl of Les Invalides which still took his breath away even after all these years........ He sighed and turned to regard the callow young man who was causing him so much trouble in his final weeks.

'Yes. You see, Jean-Claude, you personally, acting alone and in an entirely unauthorised way, have ordered 2000 very expensive trains which we can't use because they are too wide for our platforms'.

A thunderous silence boomed and echoed round the room. Jean-Claude's mouth opened and closed, but nothing intelligible emerged.

' Maître, I ….....'

'The Board, not unreasonably, is holding me accountable for this blunder, and I fear I am becoming a figure of fun. Indeed, some wag has already amended the 'Rolling Stock Manager' sign on my door to read 'Laughing Stock Manager.' Now, would you like to move onto the pay and prospects part of this discussion straight away, Jean-Claude, or have you anything to say first?'

Jean-Claude sat speechless, trembling. When he looked up, the Maître saw real terror in his eyes.

'But... but what are we going to do?'

'Fortunately, I have a plan. We'll do what we always do. We'll say there's been a software glitch – there's always a software glitch – but that we were aware of this and already taking corrective action before the news became public. Doubtless the PR people will add that we regret the delay, but that passenger safety is paramount at all times. No doubt there will be something about lessons being learned for the future.'

'But how can I help to make up.......'

'I'm glad you asked me that, Jean-Claude. Train purchasing is perhaps not your forte, and in recognition of that I am transferring you to a start up role in a new division which the Company is creating. Yours will be a hands-on role - you will be working on the ground. We have identified certain obstacles to the efficient operation of our services, and you, together with a small team will be charged with minimising those obstacles. You see, running train services is a complex business – it involves many component parts, all of which must fit together perfectly if services are to run on time and the Company is to be profitable. Identifying where the obstacles are and achieving that fit will be your responsibility. I think you will find the work exhausting but stimulating.'

'Thank you Maître, but what resources will I have for this important work?'

The Maître crossed to a cupboard. He opened the door and took out a pick, a shovel and a hi-vis jacket. 

'Welcome to our newly created Platform Narrowing Division', he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANAGRAM CORNER

Two this month.........

                                                           ANDY COULSON

                                                             'LOONY CAD!' - Sun

.........and an old favourite.....

LUIS SUAREZ - BITER

    SURE, I BRUTALIZES!