Hello,
and welcome once again to The Autolycan. Today,
I'd like to enlist your sympathy for Geoffrey Chaucer. Apart from
being a poet – indeed, 'The Father of English Literature' –
Chaucer was philosopher, bureaucrat, diplomat, soldier, courtier,
valet, Justice of the Peace, part time scientist and heaven knows
what else besides. He was captured during the siege of Rheims, and
his sovereign paid sixteen quid for his ransom. In 1374 Edward III
granted him 'a gallon of wine daily for the rest of his life', which
must have had some effect on his prodigious literary output, of which
The Canterbury Tales is
just a small part. He was
somebody. And all you and I
remember of him is the dirty bits from the Miller's Tale and perhaps
the first couple of lines of the Prologue.
I
thought of him when I came across an item from an old edition of The
Times. The general point it was
making though seemed to me as up to date as ever, and I thought
perhaps Geoffrey deserved a bit of a tribute. I'll leave you to
decide whether or not he would appreciate it.
THE
BOOKSELLER'S TALE
or
FROM
DANTE TO DAN B.
Hard
hit publishers are putting on a campaign to sell 'literary books.'
The
Times
Whan that aprill with his shoures
soote
The droghte of March hath perced to
the roote
A companie from every shire's end
Of engelonde to caunterbury doth wend
And pilgrims from divers trades do mix
-
A Friar, a Squire, a Dominatrix,
A Sales Consultant, a Nail Technician,
A Weather Presenter, a Canine
Beautician -
And each a tale, a yarn, doth spinne,
And at a Bookseller than wol I first
bigynne.
A Bookseller was first to feature,
Down at heel, a shabby creature,
Who held aloft a fearsome graph
Which showed why he was cutting staff.
Sales of proper books were tanking -
Though
50
Shades of Grey's were
spanking -
(At this the Wife of Bath, the harlot,
Turned pink, then red, then deepest
scarlet!)
'All my profits shrink and dwindle,
I put it down to bloody Kindle!
Histories and crammers and novels and
grammars, and
All of them quickly downloaded from
Amazon!
And look at the lists, the lists of
best sellers!
And what do you see? Your Hamlets?
Othellos?
Your Miltons? Your Trollopes? Even
your Dahls?
Your Forsters? Your Dickens –
Monica? Charles?
Why, no! And this is the reason I'm
lairy,
It's Ramsay and dieting, Bikers so
Hairy,
And can it be true? Miranda? Ms
Hart?
Is right at the top of the best seller
chart?
No mention of Joe and his cheery 'What
larks!' and
A listing instead for one J. Bloody
Clarkson!
What's more' – he said – 'now I am
upping the ante -
I
can flog that Inferno
– by Brown, not by Dante!
And the bloke who's in charge of our
regional sales -
Whose humour and cheeriness constantly
fails -
Says 'Don't say 'a problem' - think
outside the box,
Blue sky's the word, opportunity
knocks!
Sales of classics are currently blunt
as
A jelly 'cos we cannot get to the
punters!'
Quoth he (stretching scansion and
metre and rhyme,
And mangling the language, a literary
crime.)
So I've to come up with some targets,
objectives,
Strategy, tactics to meet his
directives....'
'A word if I may!' cried the Weather
Presenter,
'I've checked out the logs at our
great weather centre,
You can't sell to folks who just
cannot believe you.
To see what I'm saying go back to our
preview -
You talk about April with showers and
buds,
When everyone knows that it's tempests
and floods!
And drought? In March?? Credibility
fails!
March speaks of torrents and blizzards
and gales!'
'Make out it's exciting! Make out
it's a thriller!
Play up the coarse bits! The sex!'
cried the Miller.
'You'll soon see the books that you
sell will be charting
If you give 'em a bit of a laugh about
farting!'
'Marketing! Ads!' yelled the Sales
Consultant,
'Sales through the roof – you'll be
quite exultant,
Multiple offers – cheapest one free,
Get on the sofa on breakfast TV!
Bright lurid covers, discussions on
Sky,
Celebrity forewords, perhaps Stephen
Fry?
Don't be too narrow, think of the
broader plan,
'Fry?' sniffed the bookman 'I'd rather
have Vorderman.'
'Wouldn't we all!' cried the Miller,
with mirth,
But a look from the Monk brought him
straight down to Earth.
'You need a firm hand since it's clear
that your antics
Are naughty and low', frowned the
Dominatrix.
'You
cannot escape, just chuck in the sponge, and
We'll soon have you helpless and
trussed in my dungeon!
You must be corrected, you raise all
my hackles.'
'Sweet Lord!' breathed the Miller,
hoping for shackles.
And others cried out with suggestions
– of sorts -
Tacky and shallow; few serious
thoughts.
And the Bookseller found that his head
soon did spin
With the clamour, the outcry, the
hubbub, the din.....
So...
'Enough!' cried the bookman 'We'll
write down our tales -
The lawyers, the clergy, the poor men,
the gentry -
And we'll count a success if our book
never fails,
And
is parodied still in the twenty first century.'
ANAGRAM
CORNER
!!!ROYAL
BABY SPECIAL!!!!
While the world's media was engaged in a seemingly endless and undignified scrum for first news of the birth, first pictures, great grandma's reaction and so on, Master Autolycus stole a march on all of them to bring you the first recorded comment direct from Prince George himself!!
GEORGE ALEXANDER LOUIS
REGAL RULE IDEA GOES ON! x
If anyone's got a better idea for dealing with the x please let me know!
