Hello again
I don’t know how many readers of The Autolycan had nannies in their childhood, but I’d be surprised if there were any more than, say, none. So you might not appreciate the contrast between nannies now and nannies then. But the Telegraph – which I’m beginning to realise is quite a treasure trove of source material for these stories – does. So it was to the Telegraph that I turned for the low down on the 21st Century nanny when writing ‘…and she’s like, Prism! Where is that baby?’ You’ll never look at a Norland nanny the same way again.
…AND SHE’S LIKE, PRISM! WHERE IS THAT BABY?
They were once only required to push a pram and read a bedtime story to the children in their charge, but now, a new breed of nannies is being taught stunt driving and how to deal with paparazzi to prepare them for childcare in the 21st century.
Daily Telegraph
A hospital room. A bed with a patient hooked up to various items of medical equipment. A whiteboard above the bed, which announces that the occupant is one Miss Laetitia Prism. The ‘Miss’ has been roughly crossed out, with ‘Ms’ inserted in its place in rather shaky lettering.
Seated beside the bed are Lady Bracknell and Algernon.
As the curtain rises, Miss (Ms) Prism is rambling ….
MISS PRISM …..So I said like I’m not having ‘Miss’ no way, and anyone calling me Laetitia gets unfriended off Facebook like yesterday. So the geezer in the white coat goes OK, OK, cool it lady, so like what brings you here? What’s your story?
LADY BRACKNELL A woman, like a respectable house, should have at least three stories. Otherwise, like the two storey house, she attracts too few stares. Do not look pained my nephew, do you suggest that you could turn a better epigram?
ALGERNON A man who can turn no epigrams can turn no heads, and a man who can turn no heads can turn no profit.
MISS PRISM ….so that’s when it starts to like come back. The agency comes on about this like amazing job as a nanny to this stinking rich old dame, and the money and the travel’s like unbelievable, so I’m like OMG! I’ll do it. When I goes to see her, she goes can you handle the paps, and I’m like what? and she’s like the paparazzi, only they’ll have their lenses on you 24/7, specially if you give little Galaxy a hard time.
ALGERNON Good paps and bad nannies will both snap at children.
MISS PRISM And I’m like totes amazed and says Galaxy? and she’s like I thought Universe was a bit pretentious, can you handle a Lamborghini? and I’m like trust me even though I don’t like lamb much and she’s like, OK, done, start on Monday morning.
ALGERNON Only inconsequential matters such as important business affairs should ever be conducted on Monday morning. The rest of the week is thus clear for essential matters of trivia and idleness.
MISS PRISM So I like make a special effort, don’t I, obvs, and turn up first thing Monday, about half eleven, and she goes what time do you call this? and I’m like soz, Duchess, am I too early? and she’s like he’s been on his bleeding Xbox since half past five, where the hell have you been? So I go I’ll take him out shall I? and she’s like yeah, don’t forget the mega-buggy, and I’m like mega-buggy? And she goes yeah, it’s armoured, got bullet proof glass, nothing’s too good for little Galaxy, it’s got like a black box flight recorder an’ everything. Look, we’ll get Galaxy in the Lamborghini and you can take him out for a bit. Well, the buggy weighs a ton and it takes both of us to get it in, and I think right I’ll pop my iPad in my Louis Vuitton Constellation bag cos he’s bound to go to sleep later and I can get on Twitter. But what with having upset the old girl I must have been a bit flustered, and in a moment of mental abstraction for which I can never forgive myself, I put the iPad in the mega-buggy and the baby in the Louis Vuitton Constellation. So of course he wasn’t even strapped in or nothing, but he goes to sleep anyway and I sets off. After a bit I fancy a bite to eat like, and stop on the double yellows outside the deli to pick up a bag of Wotsits for Galaxy and one of them spicy Indian breads for me, and the dude goes do you want that in a bag? and I goes do I want what in a bag? and he’s like the naan and I says yeah so he pops it in a bag.
LADY BRACKNELL A naan bag?!?
ALGERNON A naan bag may contain good bread but a nanny’s Constellation bag is better bred.
MISS PRISM Right, so I get back to the car, don’t I, first thing I notice is that the Constellation has gone and some guy’s bundling it into a van and the place is swarming with paps. Forgetting what I’d done, I glance at the buggy to make sure the kid’s OK, and see the harness just dangling loose.
LADY BRACKNELL To lose a Constellation may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose a Galaxy looks like carelessness.
MISS PRISM Whatever. But a supernanny just totes thinks on her feet at a time like this, the training kicks in.
ALGERNON The lower orders should always have training, but the upper classes should have none. It gives the former the prospect of advancement and the latter the incentive to resist it.
MISS PRISM Right. So I like says to myself, Ms P, I says, you need a plan. And then it come to me like. Two plans in fact. I’ve still got the iPad, haven’t I, so I tweets all the girls to get their backsides down to Victoria Station as soon as, what I need is like a flashmob. Then I grabs one of the paps and I’m like mwah, mwah, just like in training, you’ll get the greatest pictures of little Galaxy ever if you and your mates surround the van on your bikes and keep heading it towards Victoria Station. So him and a few of them does just that.
LADY BRACKNELL I am delighted to say that neither Lord Bracknell, even when his health permitted him, nor I have ever summoned a flashmob on Twitter or indeed other social media. Social media are vulgar and have no place in respectable society.
MISS PRISM Anyway, result! We all get to Victoria at about the same time – the girls, the paps, me and the van. The girls get little Galaxy out of the van, the paps snap everything, and then they want one of him being put into my arms and me looking all heroic, but I’m like bugger that, not without my make up you don’t, and I just pop him in the left luggage for a few minutes so the paps don’t snap him with no-one else while I run off to put a bit of slap on.
ALGERNON All women make up for the cameras. That is their vanity. No man does. That’s his.
MISS PRISM Yeah, right. Bit of a barney when I get back, girls, paps, police all getting stuck into each other, I wade in, get hit on the head, and, well, here I am. What happened to little Galaxy? If only I’d put him in the buggy and put his harness on none of this would have happened. If only I’d put his harness on him……..
LADY BRACKNELL Paps, a flashmob, a blow to the head, an unbuckled harness and a child deposited in left luggage. I need hardly tell you that in families of high position such things are not supposed to occur.
ALGERNON Oh, I don’t care twopence about families of high position.
LADY BRACKNELL My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.
ALGERNON On the contrary, Aunt Augusta. I’ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Harnessed.
CURTAIN
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ANAGRAM CORNER
Looking back over previous editions of The Autolycan I realise that anagram corner has so far been an exclusively male preserve. So in order to redress the balance a little, Master Autolycus sought an exclusive interview with one of the most powerful women in the world in order to pose on your behalf an incisive question about economic strategy.
MASTER AUTOLYCUS Chancellor, can you summarise your economic strategy in two or three words?
